Waiting For The Other Shoe To Drop
There’s a scene in the movie version of Sex and the City where Carrie, at the behest of Harry, speaks to a newly pregnant Charlotte about why she’s not running anymore. And Charlotte responds in her typical way, with an outburst about how happy and lucky she is, and how she’s afraid something bad will happen.
And Carrie asks:
“What makes you think something bad is going to happen?”
To which Charlotte responds:
“Because! Nobody gets everything they want! Look at you, look at Miranda. You’re good people and you two both got shafted. I’m so happy and… something bad is going to happen.”
And this, in a nutshell, is how I feel about my life.
I’m so happy and so lucky and so grateful. I literally have everything I want. My life feels totally and 100% perfect. And I feel like I am constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop because nobody’s life is this perfect and something bad must be on the horizon.
Does that make any sense or does it just sound like I’m being an asshole?
The rational side of me knows that life wasn’t always this grand, and reminds me of what it took to get here: a lot of hard work. Multiple jobs at the same time. Weeks away from The Pharmacist. Many, many, many hours of studying for him and many, many, many dollars to pay for pharmacy school. A really rocky year of relationship growing pains. Shitty apartments and even shittier neighbors. The quintessential quarter life crisis, complete with a horrible boss and a job that had me crying every morning before work.
But eventually, things got better. I got a new job, with a great boss. The Pharmacist graduated. We both made more money—which, don’t lie, DOES help. We moved to the nicest apartment either of us has ever lived in, in a great area. We got engaged. Had the best wedding ever. And eventually I looked around and realized that over the years, life became, well, grand. So why can’t the irrational side of me just shut up? Instead, it rails about how perfect life is and how something bad must be on the horizon.
I just feel so happy and lucky and GRATEFUL for everything in my life. Seriously…I just feel So. Incredibly. Lucky. And I am afraid that since everything feels so perfect and amazing right now, something bad MUST have to happen.
I seriously pinch myself every day because this is my life. And I love it so much. I think about this especially when I walk to and from my German class on Tuesdays and the city is alive with lights, and the holiday decorations are being put up, and I take it all in. This is where we live and I love it. Or when I go to work and we crack an inane joke and I think this is where I work and I love it. Or when I wake up next to my husband each morning…or we have a date night and I get a little tipsy on one too many glasses of wine, but “OMGthisfoodisamazing”…or when we’re at church on Sundays and I leave feeling so fulfilled and happy…or when I spend the weekend cooking and cleaning—because I enjoy it—and I think this is my life and I love it so much. How did I get so lucky? I am so, so grateful.
Can anybody relate?