Let’s Just Get All The Controversial Stuff Out of the Way In One Post.
First, I really debated posting this at all, but I feel like I want to share my thoughts on this stuff with you guys. Plus, early on in my pregnancy, I promised to be “no bullshit” on what I thought about things. Some of these are funny (& stupid), some are more serious, and I definitely will expand on a few of these in separate blog posts. For now though, here’s my current thoughts on a bunch of random pregnancy/parenting/etc. stuff:
Let’s start with a funny, stupid one…on the word “preggo.” I can’t decide if I like this word or not. Sometimes pregnancy feels too formal, but “preggo” is kind of obnoxious too. Obviously, I still use it, because although it’s obnoxious it also is kind of a fun way to shorten the traditional word. I also like using “knocked up” but people seem to get really weird and offended by that. Maybe because of its white trash connotations? I think it’s a hilarious term, but you should have seen the look my boss gave me when I first used it, haha.
…on a birth plan. I’m not writing one. GASP! I definitely will write a separate post about this, but I need to make sure I take my time about it lest I piss off or offend all the “you’re not advocating for yourself if you don’t have a birth plan!” people. Here’s a tiny preview: my husband is a healthcare professional. Who, uh, has a doctorate. And uh, specializes in drugs. And, yeah…he also used to work with my OB/GYN. So no, I don’t feel the need for a birth plan. But hey! If you feel more comfortable writing one, that is great and you should do so. Not everyone has a pharmacist for a husband, so I get it. Just don’t flame me for not doing one. And please spare me the whole “just because your husband is a healthcare professional doesn’t mean you’ll have a perfect birth experience.” Thanks, I get that too, and that’s not what I’m striving for anyway. It’s just one of many reasons I don’t feel that I—me, myself, and I, NOT you—need a birth plan. Again, I’ll get into it in more depth in a later post.
…on circumcision. Why do people feel the need to talk about their children’s genitalia on the Internet?! I’m sorry if you’ve done so, but maybe you can explain it to me because this is something I will never understand. If you want to talk about circumcision in general, or debate its merits, or whatever, awesome. I totally think that’s interesting and definitely worthy of discussion—I’ve read some very interesting blog posts on just that very topic. But what I don’t get is why people want to openly discuss what their specific kid’s genitals are going to look like? I, myself, would never ever ever EVER think about doing that. Sorry, but under no circumstances do I ever want any of you to know anything about the state of my child’s bits & pieces (unless you’re around enough to change his diaper). So, nope: there won’t be a post or even a discussion on this topic.
…on “loving” pregnancy. Lately, when I say this, I feel like I get a lot of, “You are such a liar!” or people who look at me like I have two heads—including other pregnant women. Well, surprise! I’m not lying, and as you can quite clearly see, I don’t have two heads:
There are two heads in this picture, but obviously they don’t both belong to me! One belongs to a super cute baby!
Now cleavage, on the other hand…yeah there’s a lot of that there. Sorry.
I really do love pregnancy, and everything that comes with it. Listen, I have the same aches and pains as everyone else. I’m not saying it doesn’t suck sometimes. Example: baby boy currently has his foot jammed into my rib, which hits some sort of nerve that triggers a pain in one specific round spot on my back. It hurts like an effer. Also, I am tired all the time & although I know it will be way worse when the baby is here, I don’t sleep through the night anymore. At all. Ever. I was just telling someone today that my second trimester was worse than my first—I was exhausted. And I still am! What I am trying to point out, however, is that overall, I absolutely love being pregnant—aches, pains, and all. I really, really enjoy it and I wouldn’t trade it for the world. If you don’t love pregnancy, that is ok and awesome and those are totally valid feelings too. Just…stop giving me the side eye because I am the opposite way, thanks.
…on breastfeeding. I really want to do it and I really want it to work. I am trying to go in with a confident attitude but I would be lying if I said I wasn’t really nervous that we are somehow going to fail. It seems like everything I read and everyone I know has some sort of failed nursing story. I would love to be able to nurse exclusively for 6 months or more, but again, I am really scared it won’t work out. Also, what if I have to have a c-section and can’t breastfeed right away? Will that set us up for failure? I know, such a dumb and minor thing to be worried about, since millions of mothers who’ve had c-sections nurse successfully (and I know some of them!), but still. If you have a nursing story you feel comfortable talking about, please share! Also, tell me how to get out of my own head and be more confident about it.
…on Experienced Moms ripping First Time Moms. Congratulations, you already have a child or children. Does that automatically give you the right to say that all first time moms are “naïve bitches” who will “learn someday”?! [I actually saw an exchange like that on Babycenter. WOW.] Yes, you have more experience than the rest of us. Seriously though, why are you being such an asshole about it? I love all of my mom friends [you guys know who you are] who give me real advice without being dicks about it. I think a lot of the dickish-ness experienced moms give first time moms could possibly stem from people not feeling comfortable with their own choices, or maybe from not feeling like they know how to properly defend their own choices. And that’s ok—all of us go through moments in life where we don’t have the perfect comeback for a given situation and we wish we would have said something differently. I just think it’s really important to remember that it’s ok for people to have different opinions on different topics. And it’s ok for first time moms to want to make their own mistakes—or figure out their own successes! I won’t even say you have to be supportive if you don’t feel comfortable with that—instead, I’ll just say that you have to be respectful of that. I mean, hey—even I need to work on that (hello, I just ripped everyone who’s talked about their kids’ genitals on the Internet. Not my choice certainly, but it might have been yours. Sorry for being judgey). I just see all these angry arguments erupt on the dumbest of things—even on minor things like cloth diapers vs. disposable. I mean, who cares what kind of receptacle your child craps in, and why do you care what receptacle my kid will crap in?! Right? Or here’s a biggie: drug-free vs. epidural births. Listen, I don’t care how you did it. I’ll do what’s best for me, thanks. On that particular topic, however, I do feel the need to point out though that it bothers me to no end that drug-free births are the ones that are referred to as “natural.” I know what they’re saying, but can we call a spade a spade? Most births are natural, in my book. If the kid is coming out of your nether regions, it’s a natural process, whether you use drugs or not. So let’s just call drug-free births what they are: drug-free births. And epidural births are births with, you know, drugs. Honestly, I should really just stop reading BabyCenter threads because it seems that’s where a lot of asshole moms seem to hang out. And on that note…
…on chicks who POST TO FORUMS INSTEAD OF CALLING THE DOCTOR. Really, I get the appeal of Dr. Google, I do. And I understand wanting to see if what you are experiencing is normal instead of calling the doctor 25 times (hi, I’ve totally done the whole “Google frantically and read forum threads” thing myself!). I think this is totally fine for minor things like muscle aches & pains, etc. But if you are posting shit like “I have been leaking fluid for the last day and I’m having regular contractions, do you think I should go to the doctor?” then I’m sorry but YOU ARE BEING AN IDIOT. I have seen this on more than one occasion and I always a) feel really scared for the poster (little known fact: I am super afraid of pre-term labor. Also, I’m not totally heartless—that shit is scary and I get wanting to gather opinions, but it’s just not something anyone but the DOCTOR can tell you about.) and then b) immediately have a visceral YOU ARE BEING A MORON reaction. I really, really don’t wish ill-will or bad experiences on anyone, but come the eff on, are you serious?! When in doubt, call a doctor. ALWAYS.
…on Unbaby.me. I don’t get why people [read: offended moms] care so much about this app. I also love STFU Parents, so there’s that [please, everyone: if I am ever like that, SLAP ME SILLY.]. I think they’re both hilarious, and I don’t really give two shits if people don’t like my bump photos or don’t want to see photos of my baby. That’s why there’s an unsubscribe button on Facebook. I couldn’t really care less who unsubscribes [says the girl who unfriended about 165 people on Facebook a few months ago because I couldn’t remember why I was friends with them in the first place.]. I unsubscribe from people all the time for various reasons. No harm, no foul.
Pretty much the #1 reason I unsubscribe from people on Facebook. Multiple political diatribes posted on a regular basis annoy the crap out of me. See also: people who use the Spotify app or want to tell me what their workout was. Sorry, don’t care what you’re listening to or how far you ran on the treadmill.
…on cloth vs. disposable. Disposable for the win! I’ll let the rest of you save the environment in diaper form for me. I think those cloth suckers are so freakin’ cute, but it is just not for us. For one, I hate laundry already and can’t imagine doing it any more often than necessary (like once a week, if that). Cloth dipes, as far as I can tell from all the blog posts & tutorials I’ve read, need to be washed significantly more often than that. On the other hand, I also don’t want to shell out for a diaper service to avoid said laundry. And lastly, I just don’t feel like teaching anybody about cloth. Everyone we know uses disposables, and I have no desire to give diapering lessons to the grandmas, friends, cousins, daycare providers, etc. etc. etc. Cloth is a nice option these days but it’s just not for us. They sure are cute though!
…on taking a 12 week maternity leave completely unpaid. I just have to toot our horns here for a minute. I am really proud of what my husband and I have been able to accomplish this year. Aside from buying our house & paying down other debt, we’ve really been able to sock a lot away in savings. I am taking 12 weeks maternity leave and none of that will be paid (another story for another day). We have totally saved more than enough to cover my paychecks while I am off of work, and man, it feels really awesome. This year, I feel like a grown-up for the first time ever. It is awesome and weird and scary and cool all at the same time. I’m just…really proud of us.
So there you go. Feel free to offer up your opinions on any of the above topics, and tell me why I’m wrong and you’re right. And as always, a disclaimer: if I’ve offended you in any way, I’m sorry. Keep in mind that these are just MY thoughts on various topics and in no way, shape, or form am I saying that you have to feel the same way!
So many things I want to respond to. In regards to birth plan: I totally didn’t write one, but I do think by default you make one. I mean at the end when you see the doctor every week your thoughts and preferences come up. Ultimately, they know what it is you want. It isn’t a formal plan, but they know. That being said. My plan was no drugs, vaginal delivery. No drugs, because needles in my spine scare me. Turns out after labor stopped at 8cm I got an epidural to see if it would move things along. Umm…why was I against this? Quinn ended up being a c/s and NICU baby. NOT ONE thing went as planned. Even remotely. I was sold on breastfeeding. If I hadn’t been I would have given up, because he would not latch. Err! I actually used a nipple shield (life saver) for the entire year I nursed him. Eleanor was a scheduled c/s and latched immediately no problems. Each kid and pregnancy is so different. Good for you for enjoying the whole process. When you meet this tiny human you created you will be awed. Babycenter threads seem to be ridiculously negative. I hope most moms are just excited for you and want to tell you cool stuff in a supportive way. You know like when you find someone is going to Madison and you feel the need to tell them about bars, restaurants, etc. I love that your share your thoughts just like it is.
I totally agree with your thoughts on the birth plan, and I think that is an awesome way of putting it! I am not writing one down, but over the course of pregnancy, everything that could be in a birth plan is definitely discussed with doctor/partner/etc. GREAT point!
So glad I’m not the only one who has used a nipple shield for an extended amount of time — almost 9 months so far. I used to feel guilty like I was doing something wrong or not tough enough to not use it, but that’s so silly because it doesn’t make a difference and it doesn’t really even inconvenience me anymore. Whatever works!
Oh I’m so offended by your post! Haha, I’m totally kidding
I feel the same way as you with most of these things–I like being pregnant, my birth plan isn’t much longer than Pregnant Chicken’s “Vagina? PACKED!” (I wrote 2 other things down aside from that), AMEN about FTM’s being bashed, and I absolutely cannot stand when I get judged because I want an epidural (drug free is popular here in Austin–I haven’t had that happen online, just in real life, usually at yoga). I don’t understand diaper judgement either—we are planning on cloth (my siblings and I were cloth diapered so the family already gets the process and are fully supportive) and I have SO MANY people tell me we’re going to “fail” at it. Why do you care where my kid poos? I think people are going to be watching to see when we fail so they can be like “TOLD YOU SO!”. Ugh….I wish people wouldn’t give their “advice” unless asked for.
Ok, that was a long comment
Wow! So much in one post, I actually have to keep two windows open so I don’t forget anything I want to touch on
I feel like you and I are on the same page about pretty much everything you talked about except the word “Preggo” ughhhh I can’t stand it, I have no clue why, but it drives me nuts. I don’t have plans to write a formal birth plan either, after having a lot of talks with my doctor and completing the hospital tour I’ve realized that a lot of the items I really want and hope for are already covered by the health care professionals. I’m also really nervous about breastfeeding I refuse to pay $200 to take a class when babe isn’t here to actually learn on so I am reading up, hoping the lactation consultants at the hospital can help me work through things and if I need to I can use that saved money to have one come to our house after he is here! I’ve also LOVED pregnancy, which can be dangerous because it makes me feel like I can do this 2-3 more times (hahaha we’ll see if I’m singing the same tune when I’m sleep deprived). Also, our landlord is pissed because we are using disposables and not cloth diapers, but I don’t want to mess with doing laundry every day and a diaper service in San Francisco is more expensive that disposables-screw it!!
You should be SO proud that you and your hubby have saved enough to take 12 weeks off without getting any type of salary supplement. That is a huge accomplishment! I’m also shocked that WI doesn’t offer any type of benefits. Even though I work for a small non-profit in CA (they aren’t required by law to follow FMLA) the state provides 4 weeks of disability pay before the baby comes, 6 weeks of disability pay once the baby is here and then an additional 6 weeks of paid family leave – all at 55% of your salary. I won’t be able to take advantage of the 4 weeks prior to delivery, nor do I think I want to, I would go NUTS not having anything to do during the day and just waiting for his arrival. I plan to take the 12 weeks of disability and then a month off with no pay. I didn’t realize other states had shittier family leave options. I’m so thankful I’ll be able to take time off without stressing too much about our financial situation.
We looked into disability insurance for this very reason, but it is like, prohibitively expensive and not worth it in the end. I am jealous of your benefits! I also work for a small company so I don’t qualify for FMLA either–I am super lucky that my boss is “letting” me have twelve weeks.
Good thoughts, all around!
This is an awesome post.
I am perfectly happy to say, to each her own. And I think it’s fantastic that you love pregnancy.. I wish I did!!
To each her own is totally my “mommy mantra.” Haha!
I agree with you on a lot. I didn’t have a birth plan either. I had certain preferences I thought I might have during labor, and discussed them with the nurse when I first arrived at the hospital. Mostly, though, I didn’t have any idea how I would feel so I wanted to play it by ear. To be honest, next time I might go in with a few things in writing or at least made more clear to my doctor. Once you’re in the throes of labor it’s a lot harder for anyone to communicate, and when they say things like, “We need to get this baby out now!” I felt like I couldn’t really fight against an episiotomy, even though I really didn’t want one. Maybe if I would have made that more clear in the beginning my doc would have done things differently. Who knows. Ultimately, I got a healthy baby and that’s all that matters now. I do think childbirth is one of those things you need to experience in order to understand what to expect though — and even then it is unpredictable!
Totally agree. And that is another reason not mentioned here for why I am not writing a specific plan…because I just don’t know. However, my hospital does have a form for us to fill out that outlines policies things like episiotomy, etc., and I definitely continue to discuss that stuff with my doctor at each appointment!
A, I love you.
B. I miss talking to you.
C. I can’t WAIT for you to have this baby.
D. You had me ALL THEY WAY UP TO ‘if I offended you in any way I’m sorry. You said NOTHING on YOUR BLOG that requires an apology, and
E. When in doubt, see letter A.
Okay gotta say it! I’m waiting for the “baby daddy”
I know we touched on this when I was “knocked up” the first time around. You’ll totally call your husband your baby daddy and you might even enjoy it! BF’ing is seriously the greatest thing I’ve ever done, besides grow, birth and raise my girl. You’re going to be a milk machine for the first few weeks, always having a baby on you. Make sure you have a good support group I think that is number one! Having people you can talk to about your boobies and what they are doing and how they are doing it and others who have gone through it helps so much (I’ll talk about bf’ing, but don’t know a ton). It’s gonna hurt like hell the first couple weeks, after that, it’s second nature and SOOOO much easier than getting up, sterilizing and making a bottle in my opinion. Nipple cream will be your go to for those first few days, I loved a natural kind I got from the hospital(i’ll have to look at it, but it’s in G’s room and she’s sleeping). I was able to find these lovely freezey things (like an ice pack, but nipple size) for my boobies too and that was awesome for immediate comfort. Sometimes you’ll get a chance to shower, other times you’ll be snoozing when your boy does, sleep when the baby sleeps!!! I’m here if you want to talk about anything at all for real!
I’d love to see a post on your experience with telling your boss and what’s going on there. You’ve touched on it once before and I am interested in what happened.
I know it might be tough since you want to be private but anything you could tell us and I would listen!
I would love to post on this too but I am afraid of being “Dooced” because of it. Still working out how to share my experience!
I’m sooo glad you decided to write this! You’re just being honest and writing what the rest of us are thinking so high fives girl
I didn’t have a birth plan either. I had a general idea of the top things I wanted to do (skin to skin contact (didn’t happen) and nurse right away (also didn’t happen)) but in the end… that baby is gonna do what they want! Haha.
I actually thought of you when I was thinking about posting this–I remember you saying to me very early on in my pregnancy that you really hoped I would be honest about what I write because not enough people are. So THANK YOU!
Haha, YEEEEEEEEEEEES. Omg. Yes. Just…..yes. I f*cking love you.
I wouldn’t stress out too much. It seems like you have got it all together on the baby front. I ready every book I could get my hands on when I had my son in 2002. The second we brought him home I drew a blank on everything but the natural rhythm of bonding took place. Today is his 10 th Birthday. Good luck to you & all your feelings are valid. I loved being pregnant as well it’s labor that’s the bitch but the reward is awesome!! Love your blog!!!
Thanks so much!!! I really appreciate it!
TOTALLY on board with all of this!!!!! And good for you for saving and socking away $$ for your maternity leave. My SIL is in the same boat (well was) and even though I got her a new job that paid more- she didn’t put anything away- and they had to use their tax return for her 8 weeks off… barely making ends meet. I am sure you had to make sacrifices to save, and you should DEFINITELY be proud of that!!! That baby app thing though, I have to say, I think it’s unfair moms are geting a bad rap. I agree, the STFU parents thing- don’t post about your kid’s poop, etc. TMI!!!! But, I think there are so many other non-baby posts… girls in bikinis… guys posting half-naked flexing pics, people posting pictures of their food….. everyone has something they don’t want to see, but I think parents get a bad reputation when really I’d rather see your cute kid than any of the other things I mentioned!!!!!!
You know I love you and your opinions! Even if I don’t agree with them (though I’m pretty sure I actually agree with most of what you wrote above), I am all for having spaces of our own in which to talk about them! Anyway – hope I’ve said it before, but big huge props on the saving for 12 weeks of maternity leave.
Great post! I love it all!! One thing I have to say and others I can write more about later … I had a c-section (failure to progress, semi emergency, frustrating!!!) and I was still able to nurse Lyle within the first hour he was born. It was the only thing on my “birth plan” — it wasn’t a written plan but I said it about 1,000 times to every nurse and doctor. “I want to do skin to skin and breastfeed as soon a physically possible” — and for me it was about 45 minutes after delivery. Just more of an FYI that it is (usually) possible to breastfeed after a csection! Keep on writing!
The best piece of advice I got while pregnant is this, As long as it isn’t illegal in the state that you live in, it’s your baby and you get to do whatever you want with it. And boy did I. Whenever someone tried to talk me out of a decision that I had made I would fling that piece of advice at them.
I do have a breastfeeding story for you. There were some minor complications during delivery with my first baby and he had to be in the NICU for a week. The doctor incouraged me to pump but she would not allow me to nurse him until the final day of his stay in the hospital. The first night at home was awful. Both my baby and I were crying. I was so tired and had too much milk due to the pumping and my baby was hungry. Eventually he did get hungry enough and began to latch on. It took a few days, but we finally got the hang of nursing together.
Whatever you decide, will be the best decision for your family. Your going to do GREAT!
I have never commented before… but I’m another FTM and I actually started reading your blog back when you first got married. (Such a lurker here)… we got married at the same time. My son was born in February of this year.
Just wanted to offer some breastfeeding support. I never thought in a million years I could breastfeed. I had an emergency c-section and my son was taken to the NICU so I wasn’t able to see him and nurse right away. Later that evening probably about 3 or 4 hours after he was born they brought him to me and we did the skin to skin and tried to breastfeed for the first time. Every single time I fed him in the hospital I called the nurses to ask for help. I asked them to watch to ensure I was doing it properly. I asked them for different ways to hold him because it was difficult with an incision. (Football hold is great if you have a c-section) The nurses were amazing. Most made the time to be in the room for each feed. They helped me work on my latch, etc. Once home I saw a lactation consultant twice (service offered through my family doctor). She was extremely helpful and more for encouragement that I was doing okay. She also showed me different ways to hold my son. He is now almost 7 months old and we’ve exclusively breast fed. There were times that I wanted to quit and felt trapped and hated breastfeeding. The first six weeks were the worst and most difficult. After those first six weeks past I finally felt more confident.
Things that helped me be successful when breastfeeding:
- not having too many visitors in the early days at home because it felt like my boobs were out all the time (I was comfortable with my mom and husband seeing and my sister who also nurses, my dad was awesome at excusing himself or sitting in the dining room where he couldn’t see)
- asking for help from the nurses in the hospital
- the first few days home alone (okay more like 2 weeks) I kept a log of when Gabriel breastfed and when he peed and pooped. This way I felt like I knew he was eating
- using the lactation consultant, they really know so much
- having support from your husband is huge, you will spend hours (literally hours) nursing in those early days as baby learns. Having someone get you a drink or snack while you’re nursing is super helpful. Also having someone to help you do some other things so you feel like you get a break too is helpful (diapers and baths are great ways for dad to be involved when they aren’t the ones doing night waking and bottles)
- have some great movies and PVR shows at the ready – you will spend hours nursing (seriously)
- call your doctor if you don’t think things are quite right or you are nervous (you also get to go back so many times early on that you will know baby is gaining weight) – also if your nipples are hurting (after the initial few days)
- I used a soother/pacifier from day 1 (I love it, you may not)… but he knew where his food came from
- I did use a website board called The Bump there are some great breastfeeding women there
- don’t quit on a bad day, give yourself a day or two to think about it – I could have quit a million times
Anyways good luck
Enjoy the rest of your pregnancy, you will totally miss it.
YAY! What a great post! I completely agree with so much of what you said. I did not have a birth plan either. Basically because I knew it could go out the window at any minute and I never wanted to feel like I failed to have the birth experience I wanted. I just wanted the baby to be healthy and get out of me. That’s it. Mission accomplished. And yes, I did go through both labor and then had to have a c-section, so I would have been screwed. And I’m also one of those crazy people that LOVED being pregnant. Like I want to be pregnant for the rest of my life.
Nicely put! I do have a close friend who I am sure will offer you som pointers or even some advice on BFing
She actually just helped another friend of mine who had twins in July and one of them wouldn’t latch properly. She has nursed both of her kiddos and I am sure she would offer you some great suggestions and tips!……good for you for giving it a try!!! For a birth plan, I didn’t have one for either “drug free births” lol. I did however have a few requests and I did make that known to the nurse and my doctor already knew of that…I think at least for me, you can decide on things in the moment. I loved walking and standing up with both deliveries, but my last (boy) was stubborn and I did end up doing some positions on the bed that I wasn’t to fond of doing in the beginning but they did help. I chose drug free because I wanted to have the ability to walk if needed or stand, and be out of my bed, but that is me, everyone is different you do what you feel is right and only you know your own pain tolerance. I will say there is something different about labor and being able to focus and calm your body as much as possible will help in the entire process including pushing 
You’ll do great, you will be amazing and do what is right for you, not what others things is right!
Way to keep it real!
For some reason, I originally missed this post – I’m glad I saw it now! (Also, I totally agree with you – disposables, FTW. We were considering cloth, but now that she’s on solids? Definitely glad we stuck with disposables.)
I love your honesty